I’m Trying Not To Take Advantage

posted in: In the Bedroom | 1

So a little transparency here…

Lately, I’ve determined in my mind to be more intentional about not taking advantage of my husband’s kind and considerate ways. When you have someone whose feathers rarely get ruffled, and is as easy-going as my guy, you can get a bit too comfortable with those qualities, if you’re not mindful.

Recently, I have not been feeling that great physically. It had taken a bit of a toll on us in the intimacy department. But as soon as I started feeling a little better, I told him so…because we needed to get this intimacy train rolling again! True to his even-keel self, Oli suggested that we wait until I was feeling 100% (even though I felt like I was at like a 97-98% lol). I could have left it at that, knowing he wouldn’t make a fuss about it. 

But I insisted, for a couple reasons…

  1. Well, hey…the desire was there 🤷🏾‍♀️
  2. I sensed very strongly that the Holy Spirit was telling me, “Girl, please…you good 🙄” and that I could either give in to the enemy and take advantage of my husband’s patience…or I could let go of that selfishness and let the Spirit bless us as a result…yasss!! 🙌🏾🙌🏾

*Now, PLEASE HEAR ME: I’m not at all advocating that you should go ahead and be intimate with your spouse if you are truly unable to, for whatever reason; or if it will cause either of you harm in any way. I’m just talking about ME and what I knew I was capable of doing. And I just wasn’t willing to let the enemy win. Nope!

I’m just trying to be the best wife I can be for my guy. And for me, part of that is not taking advantage of the beautiful qualities God has blessed him (and me!) with.

#IfYouNeedItTakeIt  #AreYouTakingAdvantage

Raising Small Children? 10 Tips To Keep The Romance Going

posted in: Rant & Rave | 2
If you have young children, spending romantic time with your spouse can be pretty much non-existent most days. Those little humans can be pretty demanding! And when you DO find the time, you’re too tired to do much of anything. We get it!
Sometimes you have to get creative and settle for quickies (we’re not necessarily talking about sex, but hey…🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♂️)! 
So here are 10 suggestions that just might help:
Get a sitter and go on a quick 30 minute date:
  • at your favorite ice cream or coffee shop 
  • go for a walk or bike ride. 
  • sit in the park and catch up on each other’s day. 
If you can’t find a sitter, wait until the kids are asleep, then do something short & sweet:
  • feed each other ice cream from the same pint 
  • take an end-of-the-day shower together 
  • snuggle up and watch your favorite 30 minute tv show together before bed 
  • talk about your day in a candle-lit environment 
  • dance together to a couple of your favorite songs
  • have fun cleaning the kitchen together (splash each other with soap suds, etc)
  • order your favorite restaurant food (or cook your favorite meal together) and set up a romantic atmosphere in your bedroom and eat it naked (we bet you won’t finish the whole meal!)
These are all just suggestions. Remember, romance is relative. First, know what things your spouse considers romantic.
You have to WANT to do what it takes to bring the romance back. That might mean sometimes being creative and flexible.
Here’s to keeping your romance alive!!

3 Ways To Protect Your Marriage

posted in: Rant & Rave | 0

We protect our marriages. We do what we can to ensure protection and maintain the
covenant and integrity of our union – against infidelity, outside influences, flirting,
pornography, etc…against all of these types of visible or tangible things.
But how often do we protect our marriages from the things that we can NOT see? How
good of an effort are we putting forth in protecting our marriages against things like
depression…anger…fear…anxiety…? These types of negative emotions are killing

Sometimes, nothing is being done to resolve these types of issues. Instead, one
spouse suffers in silence with these emotions, while the other spouse suffers in silence
because the effects of these emotions are creating ripple-effects throughout the
relationship. One spouse hasn’t talked about it, while the other spouse can’t seem to
figure out what they’ve done wrong this time to receive the cold shoulder, the silent
treatment, the lack of intimacy…
It’s something we don’t always think about, but it is so vitally important to protect the
emotional state of our marriages.

It is easy to say how important it is, but sometimes, execution may not be so easy.                                                                                     So here are three ways that might help:

1. Talk about it.

Often times, all that is needed is to sit down with our spouse and have a
conversation. Yes, it may be tough to talk about, but keeping the end result in
mind – a healthier marriage and a happier you – just might be all the motivation
you need to get the conversation started. Once you talk it out with your spouse,
you may be surprised to realize that they had no idea that you were feeling all of
these emotions, and are more than willing to adjust accordingly to help you heal
or overcome the hurtful emotions.

2. Have regular check-ins with your spouse.

It may be difficult for our spouse to initiate a conversation to let us know that they
are struggling emotionally. Maybe, like me, your spouse is a procrastinator when
it comes to having conversations. In these instances, they may need a little
prompting to get the conversation going. So having regular check-ins can help
your spouse to engage in these difficult conversations. Here’s how: when we ask
our spouse how WE are doing in the relationship…if there’s anything they need
from US, it more than likely will open up that line of communication and make it
easier for them to express their feelings. These types of check-ins also help to
assure them that we are not pointing the finger at them in a “what is WRONG
with you??” kind of way. But rather, what they’ll typically ‘hear’ is “what do you
need from me…how can I help?”.

3. If you need help, get help.

So let’s just go ahead and break the stigma that seeking professional help is a bad thing! There is no shame in seeking professional help to assist in coping and working through our emotions. Sometimes we just can’t see our way through a situation while we’re IN it. It can become difficult to focus, cope or even be hopeful that there is a resolution to a challenging situation. A counselor or
therapist can assist with that by helping to put things in perspective and guide us to a more positive outlook.

Hopefully, these three ways will, if nothing else, spark an interest in evaluating the emotional health of your marriage. As with our physical bodies, our marriage needs consistent maintenance of its health, and we are responsible for that.

Here’s to healthy marriages!

Are You A Servant Lover?

posted in: In the Bedroom | 0

Often when it comes to sexual intimacy, many of us have (or had) a skewed point of reference. We ran with information that came from movies, magazines, friends, and pornography. Most (if not all) of the information taught us to adopt a very selfish, and unhealthy attitude toward sex. It turned us into selfish lovers – individuals constantly on a ‘quest’ for self-fulfillment.

I (Oliver) can admit to you that when I got married, I was a very selfish lover. I got married with a self-fulfillment agenda. It was not that I didn’t love Denise, but I was definitely looking at this thing called marriage through a ‘what can it do for me’ lens.

This is the worst way to go about doing things! The moment you feel like your needs are not being met, or met to your expectations, it begins to cause problems in your marriage. You begin to harbor resentment towards your spouse. You begin to treat your spouse in a way that reflects your selfish desires and not your desire to meet your spouse’s needs.

When it comes to sex (and every other aspect of marriage for that matter), it is not about you! 

It is our duty in marriage to be intentional about meeting the needs of our spouse. When both people are focused on meeting the needs of the other, a cyclical pattern occurs – one that eliminates the atmosphere of selfishness, but also allows for your satisfaction!

As it relates to sex, the best way to intentionally and consistently meet the needs of your spouse is to become a servant lover. 

Check out this excerpt from the book Intimacy IgnitedIt highlights the characteristics of a servant lover and some things that a servant lover is not. Use it as a guideline for becoming everything that your spouse needs sexually, and moving your sexual intimacy to another level:





  • They place the intimate needs of their spouse above their own. They help their spouse appreciate and enjoy intimacy.
  • They are patient.
  • They are willing to try new ways of expressing their intimacy that are pleasurable for their spouse.
  • They look for ways to help their spouse grow in intimacy.
  • They are creative in their expression of intimacy.
  • They seek to give more than to receive.


  • They love their spouse unconditionally.
  • They are willing to put aside the meeting of their own intimate needs if their spouse is unable to meet those needs due to sickness, disabilities, emotional issues, and so on.
  • They are willing to be intimate when their spouse wants intimacy, even if they may not be in the mood.


  • They protect their spouse from any harmful forms of intimate expression.
  • They protect their own purity from negative and sinful influences, such as pornography.


  • They freely forgive (see “Offer a Cup of Forgiveness,” page 209).
  • They do not keep a record of past sexual sin, either for themselves or their spouse.
  • They do not hold grudges if their spouse is unable to express intimacy in the way they want.


  • They don’t push intimacy just for their own satisfaction.
  • They don’t demand their own way of expressing or receiving intimate pleasure.
  • They don’t act or behave in ways that cause physical, emotional, or spiritual harm to their spouse.
  • They don’t withhold sex when their mate has wounded them.

-Dr. Joseph; Linda; Dr. Peter; Lorraine. Intimacy Ignited: Conversations Couple to Couple (Kindle Locations 459-464). NavPress. Kindle Edition.