4 Communication Mistakes That Might Be Holding Your Marriage Back

We all know communication is essential in a marriage—but what if the way we’re communicating is the very thing blocking us from the deeper connection we crave? Let’s talk about some of the communication mistakes couples make.

Often, it’s not the absence of communication that creates distance between couples. It’s the missteps, the communication mistakes couples make, that we’re not even aware we’re making. Let’s look at four of the most common communication mistakes that can quietly undermine even the strongest of relationships—and what you can start doing today to change them.

Mistake 1: Assuming Your Partner Should Just “Know”

Especially in long-term relationships, there’s a dangerous belief that starts to creep in: “They should know me by now.” While it seems harmless on the surface, this assumption sets up both partners for unnecessary disappointment. Expecting your spouse to read your mind—even if you’ve been together for years—creates a silent pressure and opens the door for unmet needs and unspoken resentment.

What to do instead:
Start using what we call the “Ask-Before-Assume” method. Each week, take a few minutes to reflect on your emotional or practical needs—then express at least one of them out loud. For example:
“Hey, I’ve been feeling a little drained lately. I’d really appreciate if we could carve out some quiet time together this weekend. Would that work for you?”
The clarity of asking not only prevents resentment—it invites your partner into an opportunity to love you well.

Mistake 2: Using Can-Opener Phrases

“You never…”
“You always…”

We call these can-opener phrases because they pop the top off defensiveness and make it almost impossible to have a productive conversation. When we start with absolutes, our partner doesn’t feel invited into a dialogue—they feel attacked. And when people feel attacked, their first instinct is to defend, not to listen.

What to do instead:
Try using specific, feeling-based “I” statements. For instance, instead of saying, “You never help with the kids,” try:
“I felt overwhelmed last night trying to manage everything at bedtime. It would mean a lot if we could find a way to split that load together.”
This approach lowers defenses and creates space for honest dialogue, rather than reactionary blame.

Mistake 3: Listening for Rebuttal Instead of Understanding

We’ve all done it—listening not to understand, but to prepare our counterargument. We call this lawyer listening. You’re mentally gathering evidence for your case while your partner is still mid-sentence.

This kind of listening leads nowhere fast. On the other hand, active listening—where you truly hear what’s being said, reflect it back, and ask clarifying questions—builds trust, diffuses tension, and fosters real connection.

What to do instead:
Practice “The Echo Method.” When your partner is sharing something important, wait until they’ve finished, then say:
“What I hear you saying is… [insert summary]. Did I get that right?”
If they say yes, then—and only then—respond with your thoughts. This one simple shift makes your partner feel heard, which often changes the entire tone of the conversation.

Mistake 4: Not Recognizing (or Leveraging) Communication Styles

This one may be the most subtle, but it’s also one of the most powerful.

Every couple has two distinct communication styles in play—and if you’re unaware of what they are or how they interact, you’re likely misreading or misjudging each other more than you realize. It’s not about changing who you are. It’s about learning how to make your natural styles work together instead of against each other.

When couples take the time to understand their own and each other’s communication tendencies, something incredible happens. They stop spinning their wheels in frustration. Conversations become less tense and more productive. Even conflict begins to feel less like a battle and more like a bridge.

We’ve seen firsthand how transformational this can be. It’s why we coach couples, lead workshops, and teach communication styles—not to fit people into a mold, but to help them unlock the full potential of their relationship.

Final Thoughts

Great communication doesn’t happen by accident. It takes intention, awareness, and a willingness to grow. But the payoff? Deeper connection. Less frustration. More unity.

If any of these mistakes felt a little too familiar, that’s not a bad thing. It means you’re paying attention—and you’re in the perfect position to grow from it.

There’s so much more to explore when it comes to understanding and elevating how you connect with your spouse. And the more you learn, the better it gets.
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If you want to get support in strengthening your relationship, here are four ways we can help:

1. 👉🏽 Subscribe to our YouTube channel for weekly insights and tools.

2. 💬 Join the Denoli Community to connect with like-minded couples and access ongoing support.

3. 📘 Enroll in the Make Love Better Course and start building the relationship you’ve always dreamed of.

4. 📅 Schedule a Discovery Call Consultation to discuss your unique situation and how we can help.

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