Sometimes I have so much to say to Oli when he gets home from work. So much to share…so many needs that only he can fulfill (not just physical). But I’ve learned to give him time to unwind from the demands of the day.
At his job and at home, Oli is always trying to come up with solutions, fixes & “the best ways”. How to fix his client’s computer issues, which bills are due this week, what school-related stuff needs to be addressed, what church-related stuff needs to be addressed, with whom do appointments need to be made…etc. It seems that Oli’s mind is constantly in “figure it out” mode. In fact, if there were a remote control for his brain, I’d bet that the largest button on it would probably be a “figure it out” button – smack dab in the middle of the remote. I sometimes wish that there were a way to turn off this “figure it out feature” of his, just so that he’d relax!
But I understand that being a husband – or a man in general – is WORK! The need for men to be the provider, protector, priest, model employee, “figure it out-er”, etc. is naturally IN them. Sometimes they feel like they have to work SO hard to live up to the standards that THEY’VE created for themselves. WE as wives (& children) may be completely satisfied with them, but the high expectations that THEY occasionally put on themselves is pressure.
When Oli gets home, he has a routine: walk in the door…go upstairs to change his clothes, while briefly conversing with our son (& the girls, if they’re around) about the happenings of the day…grab a snack (sometimes)…come downstairs to the office, greet me with hugs & kisses…lay on the office couch while I finish working…watch one of his Netflix shows that don’t require him to have to come up with any fixes or solutions. It’s his way of winding down, of releasing the day.
So the last thing he needs as SOON as he gets home is for me to bombard him with questions, reminders or requests for advice.
And that’s actually the last thing I need also. Because his reaction may cause tension between us, which trickles down to tension in the home – not the results that either one of us were hoping for.
There’s a time & place for everything. So I give him his space. I create the environment that will yields favorable results for both of us. And creating the environment doesn’t necessarily mean that I have to physically do something. What I mean by creating the environment is that I choose to reciprocate his hugs and kisses. I choose to make him feel welcomed & missed. I choose to show him that his house is a haven, not another battlefield…that there are no issues immediately requiring his attention…that I’ll sit back & allow him to just BE.
Wives, do you create the environment for your husband? Or does he feel like coming home is another battle to be won?
Now, creating the environment is all relative. It may not look the same as what works for us. Like Oli, your husband may need a little down time. He may need complete solitude. He may need to get a workout in. He may need physical intimacy. He may need you to talk to him about YOUR day. You know your husband & what his needs are. If you don’t, ask him.
He’ll appreciate it…and his appreciation will show…which will make both of you happy!
Create your environment!
Oliver & Denise Marcelle are the founders of Denoli, LLC (speaking, facilitating, and mentoring/coaching). They have been married for 20 years and have 3 children.
Through seminars, a podcast, videos and social media posts, they offer a candid look into their own marriage, with the goal being to encourage couples and help them explore, grow and learn together.
It is their belief that all relationships stand a chance, if given the right tools.
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