“Do you realize that as the leader of your home, the greater responsibility for the success of your marriage is on you? You are driving. When a marriage falls apart, the wife may be responsible, but the husband is more responsible. And he must take the primary blame for any failure because ultimately he is the leader, and he let it happen under his watch.”
I also heard a pastor say say something similar to a groom at a wedding I attended. He stated that if the wife is unhappy that it will be his fault…
I am going to chime in with my ‘two cent’ view on this…
Generally, traditionally and even biblically the man has been deemed the provider and protector. As men, we have a responsibility to love and honor our wives, even to the point of giving our own life if need be! (Ephesians 5:25) Your wife should feel safe, and secure when she is with you, and even when you are not around she should be confident of the fact that you have designated solutions for all contingencies. It is a man’s role, simply put.
Now…I am going to be transparent for a little while…hopefully my transparency will help someone reading this who may feel the same way at times…
Although I absolutely agree with the statements above, I don’t always embrace my role with exuberance. It is not that I don’t want to protect and provide, or that I have ‘deadbeat tendencies’…I just get overwhelmed under the weight of that responsibility. That feeling of being overwhelmed comes in 2 parts: 1. feeling like I do not have all of the tools/resources that I need to successfully fulfill my role, and 2. bearing the burden of not wanting to appear as though I don’t have all the tools/resources.
I then attempt to process the feelings internally, for many reasons. I don’t want to burden my wife with these thoughts, I don’t want to appear ‘weak’, and don’t want to cause my family to lose their sense of security (which of course is my duty to provide)…just to name a few. However, I am realizing that the older I get, ‘bottling’ something up is not the healthy way to process.
So…what should do about that? How will I shoulder the role with excellence, and process the feelings??
I have outlined some things that I feel are important for me to do/start, as well as some things that my wife can do/does to help fulfill my role, and lessen the instances of feeling overwhelmed:
- Ask God for guidance! Too many times I find myself attempting to ‘fight’ on my own. That is the quickest way to becoming overwhelmed. Give it over to God and allow Him to direct you.
- You need a good male friend or two! I am realizing more and more as I get older, the importance of having some guys around you to bond with. I always want to appear as though I am ‘handling it’, but sometimes being able to vent, laugh, share, etc with a good friend is the very therapy needed to help you live to fight another day.
- Do not bottle up your feelings! I have spent nights awake, wringing my hands, my brain about to explode from attempting to process everything internally. Simply turning to my wife and saying something like “I am kinda stressed right now” would have allowed my wife to do what she does (she rubs the back of my head and everything just seems to melt away…lol). A true God-given companion will not panic and lose her sense of security if you share your feeling with her.
- Ask God for guidance and direction as to how to encourage you husband. He will give you creative ideas for lifting up and holding up your man’s hands
- Crown your man! My wife (and I have said this many times) has the awesome ability to make me feel like I am the Emperor of the World (even when I may not currently be living up to that title). Wives, encourage your man. Lift him up and never tear him down. When she makes me feel that way, it in turn gives me the extra push that I may need at the time…
- Speak life into you husband! This goes hand in hand with the one above. I can count on Niesy to give me an encouraging word, to tell me that I am good at something, or to simply walk up behind me and tell me that she is in love with me. It fuels me…words are powerful!
- Let him know how much you desire him and have sex often! I don’t think that I am allowed to go into detail here…lol, but seriously, sex is an awesome stress reliever! You cannot have great sex and be stressed at the same time…it is impossible! (tweet this) Ladies here is a little secret (sorry fellas): Guys act differently when they get sex often…test it out…I betcha that ‘honey do’ list gets done LOL
Ok, I have ‘talked’ your ear off enough…
Men, we have a responsibility to our wives, to love, honor, provide and protect. May God give you the strength to fulfill your role with excellence!
Oliver & Denise Marcelle are the founders of Denoli, LLC (speaking, facilitating, and mentoring/coaching). They have been married for 20 years and have 3 children.
Through seminars, a podcast, videos and social media posts, they offer a candid look into their own marriage, with the goal being to encourage couples and help them explore, grow and learn together.
It is their belief that all relationships stand a chance, if given the right tools.
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