Often when it comes to sexual intimacy, many of us have (or had) a skewed point of reference. We ran with information that came from movies, magazines, friends, and pornography. Most (if not all) of the information taught us to adopt a very selfish, and unhealthy attitude toward sex. It turned us into selfish lovers – individuals constantly on a ‘quest’ for self-fulfillment.
I (Oliver) can admit to you that when I got married, I was a very selfish lover. I got married with a self-fulfillment agenda. It was not that I didn’t love Denise, but I was definitely looking at this thing called marriage through a ‘what can it do for me’ lens.
This is the worst way to go about doing things! The moment you feel like your needs are not being met, or met to your expectations, it begins to cause problems in your marriage. You begin to harbor resentment towards your spouse. You begin to treat your spouse in a way that reflects your selfish desires and not your desire to meet your spouse’s needs.
When it comes to sex (and every other aspect of marriage for that matter), it is not about you!
It is our duty in marriage to be intentional about meeting the needs of our spouse. When both people are focused on meeting the needs of the other, a cyclical pattern occurs – one that eliminates the atmosphere of selfishness, but also allows for your satisfaction!
As it relates to sex, the best way to intentionally and consistently meet the needs of your spouse is to become a servant lover.
Check out this excerpt from the book Intimacy Ignited. It highlights the characteristics of a servant lover and some things that a servant lover is not. Use it as a guideline for becoming everything that your spouse needs sexually, and moving your sexual intimacy to another level:
SERVANT LOVERS WHAT DO THEY DO?
- They place the intimate needs of their spouse above their own. They help their spouse appreciate and enjoy intimacy.
- They are patient.
- They are willing to try new ways of expressing their intimacy that are pleasurable for their spouse.
- They look for ways to help their spouse grow in intimacy.
- They are creative in their expression of intimacy.
- They seek to give more than to receive.
- They love their spouse unconditionally.
- They are willing to put aside the meeting of their own intimate needs if their spouse is unable to meet those needs due to sickness, disabilities, emotional issues, and so on.
- They are willing to be intimate when their spouse wants intimacy, even if they may not be in the mood.
- They protect their spouse from any harmful forms of intimate expression.
- They protect their own purity from negative and sinful influences, such as pornography.
- They freely forgive (see “Offer a Cup of Forgiveness,” page 209).
- They do not keep a record of past sexual sin, either for themselves or their spouse.
- They do not hold grudges if their spouse is unable to express intimacy in the way they want.
WHAT DON’T THEY DO?
- They don’t push intimacy just for their own satisfaction.
- They don’t demand their own way of expressing or receiving intimate pleasure.
- They don’t act or behave in ways that cause physical, emotional, or spiritual harm to their spouse.
- They don’t withhold sex when their mate has wounded them.
-Dr. Joseph; Linda; Dr. Peter; Lorraine. Intimacy Ignited: Conversations Couple to Couple (Kindle Locations 459-464). NavPress. Kindle Edition.
Oliver & Denise Marcelle are the founders of Denoli, LLC (speaking, facilitating, and mentoring/coaching). They have been married for 20 years and have 3 children.
Through seminars, a podcast, videos and social media posts, they offer a candid look into their own marriage, with the goal being to encourage couples and help them explore, grow and learn together.
It is their belief that all relationships stand a chance, if given the right tools.
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